


don't wanna be a tragedy

by Kittycattycat



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Logic | Logan Sanders, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Gen, Ghosts, Haunting, Human AU, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Morality | Patton Sanders, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Ouija Boards, Panic Attacks, Poltergeists, Queerplatonic Relationships, Remus and His Random Vine References, Remus and Roman are brothers who share an apartment together, Swearing, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, aroace logan, its not directly referenced yet but it's gonna be brought up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-06-23 12:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19701634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittycattycat/pseuds/Kittycattycat
Summary: "What the fuck?” Roman whispered to himself, “What the absolute hell?”AKA, Remus and Roman decide that, potentially, their weird-ass house MIGHT… be haunted.





	1. Chapter 1

It had all started with the boxes.

Cardboard boxes with scrawled-on labels in black, broad, felt-tip marker were littered scarcely around the small apartment, items not yet unpacked carried over from their childhood home. Dust shapes marked the hardwood floor like empty templates of the furniture that once stood there, and random garbage bags of various clothing were sat next to the boxes piled up, marked only with either ‘Roman’ or ‘Remus.’ But the boxes were the important part, because for the love of all that was holy Roman could NOT find his shit.

“Remus!” Roman called out from his position in the living room, “Where’s my box of hair products?”

“I thought it was in the living room?” his brother responded back loudly.

“I'm already in the living room! And why the fuck would they be in the living room?”

“I don't know, Roman! Why wouldn't they be? Everything else is! Just go ahead and check again!”

Roman huffed but turned on his heels to give the boxes in the room another once-over, nearly jumping a mile in the air and shrieking when a pile of boxes shifted and made a noise. “Where oh where could my hair products have gone…” Roman murmured to himself, looking at all the box labels again.

Suddenly, something caught Roman’s eye. “I don't even remember this door…” he muttered to himself. The door stood at the side of their kitchen, looking as inconspicuous as a door could, but Roman could swear there wasn't anything there when they were bringing in boxes. Maybe Remus shoved his box of hair products there? He tried the knob and it wasn't locked. Easily, he swung the door opened and— oh.

“Remus, get in here,” Roman said, hoping his brother would hear as he wasn't able to tear his eyes away from the sight to go and get him.

Sure enough, Remus rounded the corner half-dressed and with messy hair. “Whaaaat? Just lemme get dressed. I know I'm a lazy-looking guy but seriously! I can't walk around in boxers all day. …Actually, can't I? Who's stopping me? I coul— oh my god.”

The walls of the small, closet-like room was painted a greenish-grey color. There was no light inside, nor a switch to install one, but there was, in fact, something there. Scratched in large, thick letters onto the back wall of the closet were the words “GET OUT.”

The two siblings stood together in silence for a few moments, staring at the literal writing on the wall and letting the tension fall over them.

And then Remus laughed— he laughed HARD.

“Remus, this is serious!” Roman cried out in distress. But Remus was doubled over, nearly in tears from the supposed hilarity of the situation.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Remus managed through mad cackling, “They just— the previous owners! They! Oh my god this is so EDGY! I'm crying, Roman, I think I'm crying! I-I wonder if we could sue for PROPERTY DAMAGES!”

“Remus!”

The laughter suddenly cut off and Remus’ face went blank. It would have been disturbing to Roman how quickly Remus could save face if he hadn't known the man literally his entire life. “Well, what're we gonna do? Personally, I ain't afraid of no ghost! Or demon. I'm open to either.”

“There— there isn't any ghost.”

“Demon, then?”

“There isn't any demon, either! It's just a stupid joke. One that…” Roman looked behind him where he had turned his back to the desecrated wall, “…included some clear property damages, but a joke nonetheless.”

They proceeded to put a large box of old photographs in front of the door and casually didn't mention it anymore. Roman never did find his hair products.

\-----

Now, Roman King thought of himself as an organized person, at least when it came to his living space. But even if he were the biggest slob on the planet like his brother, he was pretty sure he would’ve noticed leaving literally every single cabinet in the entire apartment building wide open each night. Even Remus knew how to close a pantry cabinet, and the amount of times he'd walked face-first into the open doors in the early morning showed that it certainly wasn't any sort of intentional prank on Roman.

It was honestly simple enough for him to shut the cabinet doors in the morning while he waited for his coffee to brew, but that was so far from the point it might as well have been in another galaxy entirely. He didn’t know why the damn cabinets were always open, and it was starting to become a nuisance.

Remus constantly mocked him for his clear annoyance with the situation. “Maybe it's a ghoooooost,” he said one morning before immediately diving his fingers into Roman’s sides to tickle him. Roman forced his sibling to clean up the spilt coffee off the floor AND out of both their clothes.

After a week of mysteriously self-opening cabinets, the weirdness escalated to Roman walking into the kitchen one morning to find everything strewn around on the counters and floor. He slipped and took a dive straight onto his ass in a lake of pancake syrup, and was equal parts amazed and freaked the hell out to see that the plastic syrup container had been deliberately opened and poured into every nook and cranny of their kitchen floor. 

“What the fuck?” Roman whispered to himself, “What the absolute hell?”

He held his breath, wondering for an utterly absurd moment if he was actually going to get a response and feeling like a goddamn idiot when the only response was for a half-asleep Remus to launch the empty syrup bottle at the back of his head, ruining his hair and the remaining non-sticky portions of his shirt. With a sigh and a shake of his head— did he believe in ghosts now, was he that guy?— Roman grabbed the Swiffer mop and decided that, for the sake of his own mental sanity and wellbeing, he’d chalk this event up to a very, very concentrated earthquake.

\-----

“Just ONCE, Remus!” Roman yelled, “Just once I'd like to come home and not have the apartment covered in your dirty, disgusting underwear!”

Remus flicked off the television and turned his head towards Roman, not changing his uncomfortable-looking lying position on the couch. “I didn't do it, dear brother!” Remus grinned, “It was the ghooooost!”

Roman stomped his foot childishly, “You JERK, you—!”

A violent sound broke through their argument and made the two of them. A clattering, thumping sort of noise, repetitive and fast.

“Is that…?”

“The cabinets,” Roman finished.

The two of the cabinet doors were swinging wildly on their hinges, slamming in and out rhythmically and banging wood against wood. Glasses were tumbling onto the floor from one of the cabinets— thankfully only the plastic ones they'd bought from the store the day prior— but from the other cabinet came medicine bottles. 

“Hey, hey!” Remus scolded, “Quit that!”

“Oh my god…” Roman breathed, voice shaking violently. He could feel the panic, the anxiety setting in his chest. This couldn't be, no no no ghosts weren't real but then how would…? “We’re being haunted. Remus, we’re being haunted oh Christ oh god please let this stop please—”

The cabinets closed one final time, and did not move again. Remus stood on his knees on the couch to look up over the half wall and into the kitchen. Roman tensed, awaiting more slamming. The only thing he got was one final red cup rolling across the floor, stopping at his feet.

“This has to stop, Remus,” Roman manages, tears pricking the corners of this eyes, “We’ve gotta do something.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, in this, Logan is agender + uses xe/xem pronouns, and Patton is nonbinary + uses he/him pronouns! Also, they're QPPs, not romantic partners!

Logan adjusted xyr glasses and sighed. “Let me get this straight; you believe that there is, in fact, some sort of demon or ghost haunting your apartment, slamming your cabinets and stealing your possessions?”

The group had been at this conversation for a while now. Roman had absolutely no idea what to do about a ghost problem in his home, and so he'd done the one thing he could think of at the time— called Logan and Patton over to his home to vent at them.

“I'm telling you, Logan, I know what I saw!” Roman insisted, “Remus was there, he can vouch for me!”

“If you so insist,” Logan said with a roll of xyr eyes. 

Patton poked the other’s arm and frowned. “Well no matter what it is, it's clearly distressing Roman, hun. We need to take his claims seriously!”

“And mine!” Remus chimed propping his feet up on the couch and stuffing a fistful of potato chips into his waiting mouth, “The weirdo ghost is messing with me too, you know!”

Logan curled xyr lip. “I have half a mind to believe you ARE the ghost, Remus. If this is a prank, it doesn't seem to be a very amusing one.”

“Au contrarie!” Remus said, “I find this shit VERY fucking funny! I just wish the ghost would stop taking the knobs off the doors.”

“Taking the…?” Roman raised an eyebrow, “You mean to tell me this SPECTER is the one removing our door knobs? How would it even do that?”

“How would ghosts do anything? Aren't they like, uh, incorporate… I mean, can't they not touch stuff?” Patton asked.

“The word you are looking for is ‘incorporeal,’ Patton. And, technically speaking, a ghost who is prone to harassing the living and is able to move physical objects on this plane of existence would be labeled a ‘poltergeist.’”

Roman slammed both his hands flat onto the table, “Well I don't care what it's called, I want it out of my apartment!”

Patton gasped, “Maybe it's upset about something and is having a hard time moving on, Ro! Maybe we should be more considerate of your… new roommate.”

“Look,” Logan said, “why don't the two of us stay the night, Roman? All of us are off of work tomorrow, and so while I would prefer to get an adequate amount of sleep, I suppose we could all three—”

“Four!” Remus chimed.

“—of us could set up with you and see what all this supposed ghost business is about.”

Patton bit his lower lip, rocking back and forth on his heels, “I dunno, Lo… you know how I am about spooky stuff…”

“I'm sure it will be fine, Patton,” Logan said as xe puts a hand on his shoulder, “it will be like… a sleepover.”

Patton smiled hesitantly, looking sweetly at his partner, “I DO like sleepovers…”

“It's gonna be fun, Patty!” Remus grinned, “We’ll have SNACKS and tell SECRETS and wait for the GHOST to show up and tear our door off the hinges or something crazy!”

Logan hissed at the other, “Don't scare him, Remus.”

“I'm just saying!”

“What if we got… a ouija board?” Roman suggested, “I mean, I doubt it would do anything, but still. We can't just ‘wait for it to show up.’”

Remus gasps, “Oh! Oh! Me me me me me! I have one of those!”

“Since when?”

“Since I bought it at the Spencer's last week, dear brother!”

Roman seemed to want to argue back, but eventually conceded. “…Fine, I guess! Get that board from wherever you stashed it and let's set everything up for it.”

“Well, that settles that. Now,” Logan said, standing up from the table, “I believe it is time to begin the ‘ghost hunting.’”

Patton grinned happily, wrapping his arms tightly around his own waist in excitement, “Sleepover time!” 

\-----

“I still think this is pointless. There is little genuine evidence to suggest the existence of paranormal entities. And even if such entities existed… I highly doubt they would respond because you attempted to contact them through a hunk of wood you bought at the mall.” 

Roman walked in behind the other, holding a bowl of fresh, warm popcorn. “You promised you'd try it with us, Logan, no taking it back now.”

“Yeah, no regrets!” Remus quickly added.

“Yes, of course,” Logan signed, rubbing xyr eyes, “but we should not waste all night on this. It's already one in the morning and yet nothing has happened. We should be asleep by now.”

“You can't rush ghosts, Logan,” Patton said.

Remus promptly slammed the ouija board onto the carpet. It was rather intricately designed, but very cliché. A dark plank of wood with small letters and numbers painted onto it in white. Everyone sat around it in a tight circle, Patton with his hand resting nervously on Logan’s knee.

As he watched Remus wipe off the dusty board with a pre-moistened wipe, Roman considered the board quietly before asking, “Where's the uh… the pointer thing?”

Logan supplied, “The planchette.”

“Oh! This thing?” Patton produced the small piece from his free hand, “I kinda grabbed it and started touching it ‘cause it looked cool. Kinda scary, though.”

“I still don't think this will produce any results,” Logan reiterated.

“Yes, yes, we heard your spiel before, Human Calculator! But this is as good a method as any.”

Patton scrunched his eyebrows together. “What if the ghost doesn't come?”

“It'll come," Roman assured him, “it’s been coming to me for weeks."

Remus huffs a laugh to himself, “‘Cumming’ to us.”

Easily ignoring the others’ comments, Logan examined the homemade board then, noticing that although the board itself was square in shape, the white alphabetical and numeric sets painted on it formed more of a rainbow shape, with ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ on the top right and left sides. Near the bottom, the word ‘Goodbye’ appeared. "Aren't you supposed to have at least two people put their fingers on the planchette during any uses of the board?"

“I think?” Roman replied, “I mean, I just sorta figured we were ALL gonna put out fingers on it.”

"Fair’s fair!”

Everyone slowly reached in and put two fingers onto the planchette piece, Roman noting that Patton looked visibly uncomfortable.

“Are there any spirits here tonight?” Remus finally spoke, voice loud into the open air, “If so, can you tell me…does this sound like Shakira? Lelelale—”

“Remus!” Roman angrily said, punching his brother hard in the arm, “This is serious!”

“Alright, alright! …We would like to speak to any spirits in our apartment. Please come talk with us all and tell us you're here by saying ‘hello.’”

The planchette piece didn't move much at first, but then swished back and forth just slightly. The movement was barely noticeable, but still, Remus’ face lit up with hope and excitement.

“Are you here now, spirit?” Roman prompted.

Suddenly, the planchette slid smoothly across the board to ‘Yes.’ Patton shrieked and pulled his hand away, “Never mind, never mind! I don't want to anymore!”

“It's alright, Patton,” Logan said, “you can just watch. You can make sure we’re all safe while using the board.”

“Yeah I… I can, can't I?”

Roman took in a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. “Alright. Ghost, what…”

“What's your name?” Remus interjected.

All four people in the room listened to the sound of the planchette piece gliding across the wooden board.

‘N-O-T-F-O-R-Y-O-U’

“I believe that means it isn't going to tell us,” Logan said.

“Well, what does it matter, anyways? Say— are you the ghost absolutely DESTROYING our apartment?” Roman asked.

The planchette began to move again.

‘Yes.’

“Why?!”

‘G-E-T-O-U-T’

“What, we encroached on your space?! Well excuse ME for living!”

“Are you upset, Mister Ghost?” Patton asked softly, still looking nervous.

“Why assume the ghost is male?”

The planchette slid abruptly.

‘M-A-L-E’

“Well, that settles that,” Remus shrugged.

“But I mean,” Patton continued, “is he upset? 

‘Yes.’ The planchette went to that word quite quickly, making a louder scraping sound as it did so.

“Well, why are you so Moody B. Moans? We aren't leaving the apartment, but if we can come to some other compromise…”

‘B-O-R-E-D’

Roman spat and sputtered, making wild gesticulations with his free hand, “Well EXCUSE me! You're BORED? How is that our fault?!”

“Don't get so upset, Roman,” Logan said, “I doubt you would be in any better of a mood if you had been dead for quite some time. …Actually, if you don't mind me asking, when DID you die?”

The planchette almost vibrated as it moved over to the numbers one by one. ‘1-9-0-1’

“Fuck,” said Remus aptly, “that's a long ass time to be dead!”

Logan seemed intrigued, xyr eyes widening as xe became more enraptured by the seemingly possessed spirit board, “A ghost from the Victorian era… fascinating. Say, how old are you?”

“Oh my god we better not be talking to like, a child. That's just gonna be SAD!” Roman said.

‘2-3’

“Same as the rest of us…” Patton murmurs, “That's so sad, too, though. To die so young…”

Without warning, the room went cold.

“Wh-What was that…? Did someone leave a window open?” questioned Patton.

Roman shivered. “I sure didn't.”

Before they could continue speaking, the planchette seemed to move almost erratically, violently.

‘N-O-T-A-L-O-N-E’


	3. Chapter 3

Logan’s eyebrows shot up. Roman looked up at xem when the planchette stopped. "What? Is he implying there's MORE?”

"That is… typically what the phrase ‘not alone’ means, Roman." Logan stood up, removing xyr hand from the planchette and pacing from one end of the room and back again. “Another specter… not entirely surprising, considering all the damage that's been done to your apartment.” 

“Is that good or bad?" Patton asked quietly.

Xe cleared xyr throat and asked another question into the open air, “Do you know who this other spirit is?”

‘No’ the planchette said quickly.

“In this case, then, it sounds a bit ominous." Xe paused to think, drumming xyr fingers against xyr leg.

“Since when are you a professional ghost hunter, Logan?” Roman questioned, taking his hand away from the planchette piece, “I thought you didn't even believe in ghosts!”

The planchette once again slid purposefully from one letter to another. ‘S-E-N-S-E’

“What's that supposed to mean?”

‘C-A-N-T-S-E-E’

Roman turned to Logan, confused, “Can ghosts be blind?”

“Guys,” said Remus suddenly after sitting in silence for a good portion of the conversation, “I'm no ghost expert, but I gotta say, this feels pretty fucked up.” Remus pulled his hand away from the planchette, leaving it still on the board.

“I… would be inclined to agree,” Logan said. 

There came a scraping sound, like the noise of the planchette sliding itself quickly across the wooden ouija board. Roman turned just in time to see it flying through the air, aimed right at his head. With a startled expression, he ducked, and the planchette piece nearly hit Logan directly in the forehead, instead banging into the wall beside xem and denting it somewhat. 

“Holy shit!” Remus yelled, half incredulous and half amused.

“Hey!" Roman’s hand went to his head immediately. "What the fuck, ghost! I thought we were cool, man!”

“Oh my god…” Patton muttered shakily, “Oh my GOD.”

They all suddenly jumped as a cup of stale water was practically thrown across the room, leaving a trail of liquid in puddles on the floor and dripping from the table.

What happened next reminded them all of a line of dominoes toppling over one another— one light touch, and the whole of everything goes down. Knick knacks and various objects started to fall. Every countertop and table in the vicinity emptied itself of any items atop it, some of them actually visibly shaking up and down as they did so. The legs of their dining room chains banged against the floor as they were lifted and dropped again and again with the jarring. 

“What in the hell is going on?!” Roman yelled. A box of tissues flew right into his face, which he tried pathetically to deflect by flailing his arms wildly in surprise. 

Remus only shielded his face with his hands, but Patton and Logan both ducked to the floor holding onto each other for dear life, gasping in equal parts confusion and terror at the wanton destruction happening inside their friend’s apartment. “Logan, why is this happening?!” Patton asked loudly, attempting to talk over the constant banging noises.

Logan could only shrug tensely and cover the back of xyr head with xyr hands, “I have absolutely no idea!”

As if the invisible vandal heard xem, a heavy metal desk lamp levitated into the air and shot across the room toward the back of Logan’s head. Logan ducked. The lamp veered downward and collided with the arm of one of the living room couches. This made a dull thud noise, followed promptly by the deafening clang of the metal lamp hitting the floor.

Roman gaped at Logan. "Did you see that?!"

Just as suddenly as it had started, the poltergeist-like activity stopped. All people found themselves mixed in helplessly amongst the wreckage.

Outside of the apartment, one of the next door neighbors banged violently on the wall, “Can't you keep it down?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this took so long and it’s so short! I fell out of Sanders Sides for a bit and lost motivation. Thank you for all the wonderful comments <3


End file.
